Alien Confusion Test

If you needed to confuse an alien or a cultural anthropoligst from a way-out, foriegn land, all you would really have to do is explain the concept behind the United States alongside its execution of it.
The basic tenets do not match the reality. Freedom is redefined as the government sees fit. Rationalizations are made. Loop holes created.

I imagine a conversation would go a lot like this:

Me: So that's about it. Everyone is free to do as they please without hurting anyone else or infringing on their freedoms. We can say whatever we want, print whatever we want, be whatever we want.

Alien: So you don't have laws?

Me: Of course we do. They stand as a framework for punishing those who hurt or infringe on others' freedoms.

Alien: Sounds ideal. Can we stop for a second? We've been touring your nation's capitol for quite some time, and I really need to urinate. I'll just run to those bushes and be right back.

Me: No, wait. You can't urinate in public. It's against the law. Peeing in public is forbidden.

Alien: But I'm not hurting anyone or infringing on their rights.

Me: Well, technically no. But the public does need to be protected by such vile things.

Alien: Okay. That does seem reasonable. Most probably do not want to see me urinate, so I suppose I can follow your logic.

(After a short bathroom break)

Alien: That was refreshing.

Me: Good, and I have some friends I'd like you to meet. Alien, this is Gary and Steve. They're life partners.

Alien: I don't understand.

Me: Well, they are homosexuals. They are attracted to the same gender. Do you understand that?

Alien: Yes, of course. But why are they called 'life partners'.

Steve: Because we've made a promise to be together for the rest of lives.

Alien: Aha! So you are married. I already know this word.

Gary: Well, not quite. It's not legal for us to get married.

Alien: Why not?

Me: Because the public needs to protect the original definition of the word "marriage".

Alien: So they're marrying would hurt someone else?

Steve: I don't think so. In fact, hypothetically after making vows with the preacher we could go be hermits and never even see anyone else for the rest of our lives. We wouldn't be able to hurt anyone.

Alien: So you must be infringing on other peoples' rights.

Me: They aren't really to be honest. But it's complicated. The meaning of "marriage" is sacred, and people need the comfort of knowing it will stay the same.

Alien: So the word is more important than a group of people's well-being.

Me: Exactly. Now you're starting to understand.

Alien: I am sorry to hear that, though. It must be tough, Gary and Steve, not being able to get formally married. Maybe this will cheer you up. I've brought this smoking leaf from my home planet, and it makes you feel great no matter what mood you're in.

Me: Whoa! Hold on there, Alien. That's marijuana. I recognize the smell from college, and that's illegal to smoke here in the United States.

Alien: So sorry! I guess I still don't understand freedom.

Me: Well, smoking that marijuana would be bad for the general public.

Alien: How? If I smoke it, will people get hurt?

Me: No. But you will. And we can't have you hurting yourself.

Alien: So laws exist to stop people from activities which harm others or themselves?

Me: Hmm. Not exactly. You can go home and cut yourself with a knife and not get arrested. You could also smoke cigarettes which have been linked to lung cancer or drink alcohol which could kill you if you had too much, and the law couldn't touch you.

Alien: So some substances are legal to use and others aren't?

Me: Exactly.

Alien: And this list is decided by your grand democratic apparatus of course. One man, one vote. All people own the land and decide its fate. That sort of thing?

Me: Actually, the illegality of substances is usually decided by a few people with internal government positions.

Alien: Oh, I see.

Me: Good. I'm glad you finally understand.

Alien: I think I've got it now! You are completely free to do whatever you want as long as that something does not harm someone else, infringe upon their freedoms, edge near changing the meaning of a word or violate a previously agreed-upon list of activities which harm yourself dictated by a small group of leaders in your government to save you from yourself.

Me: It's a bit more complicated than that, but I think you're finally beginning to understand what true freedom is.

Some American pragmatists describe the Bill of Rights and the Constitution as a prophetic document. A blue print that we will always struggle toward. If a practice is out of line with the words of those documents, it will eventually fall out of social favor, cause an identity crisis of sorts and be done away with by vote or by popular law. The most famous example is the abolishment of slavery. How could a nation claim it was a free one while all these men, women and children were in bondage? The answer was simple. The two are mutually exclusive. One had to go, and the country chose to keep freedom.

I can only hope that the pragmatists are right, and that we are inching closer and closer to true freedom - a country where people's love comes before the sanctity of a word, where people can do with their bodies as they please, where we can live without complications and simply live free.